I have been working on not being nervous since I was a kid and at some point, I, unfortunately, can still feel that pressure hitting me under the skin!
Why are we nervous?
What a shit inside us pressing that bottom to have this kind of feeling?
It is not good for our body, mentality, and soul. Its a nothing prosper, its a kind of damaging balance and its a huge waste of time Because we should go through that situation, we know that we should do! Am I right?
I used to get stressed about every stupid situation you can imagine. It started at the basic school, of course, shit inside my head about what I am wearing, what I am not wearing, scared to be natural, scared to be “myself” after the competition and being preselected at the dance school to being selected to … When I am thinking.. my mum actually used to sign me to these kinds of hobby centers so I should be competitive and express myself. Ye and so I was training myself all my life and I still should continue at some point.
It is getting better but then I am just waiting for the car to pick up me next to the road by a friend of mine I don’t know and I was fucking nervous all the time. :D
So Why? Tell me!
Why can I not stay chilled as I am on this photo?
Ok, so it’s gonna be now 3 days till I’ve crashed my phone when we’re enjoying a pool party at a friend of mine’s place when I threw my friend into the swimming pool and he took me with him.
So, three days.
No clocks. No texts. No calls. No translator - I still do not speak Portuguese fluently and Imma still here. No confidence boost every day by posting on social media. No point of know what my friends or people I follow are doing at the moment. No self-control through how actually I look like when I am alone. No easy way how to find someone from residence or people I know here in Portugal. - just by sending a message. No calls and hearing my boyfriend now staying in Czech.
No time control.
I have such a fucking lot of time suddenly!
But I feel sad.
Think Future But Never Forget Past
Essay, theme: “The Final Project”
The final project, let me think what the final project is, what we can exactly imagine behind the word-final project? What’s the definition? Should be the final project define only as a school project you hand in after finishing your university? That one you hate to work on every day just while you start? Or could be the final project any product we made during a long time? Or should I talk about some future project, which I even haven’t started yet and talked about an idea without any passion?
And what if I would say that the final project I choose is not boring. What if I would say that the final project I chose I love that much, that waking me up every single day? What if I would say that the final project I chose is my love, my every day, my time, my everything, my passion?
Let’s talk about myself as a future project. It’s me drawing.
Me as an artist. Me as someone who will draw your family and you would not believe how cool the picture is. Me as an artist who the big company will invite for a live performance during important event full of super intelligent IT guys who will not appreciate my work but they will see their amazing portraits drawn on the paper by me and they will love it! Me as an artist who the young people will be looking up as someone friendly, cool but still kind of mentor giving them motivation and energy to continue and don’t giving up. Me as an artist who will people at the begging scared of to talk to but then they will realize how friendly I am and that my skills are earned by hard working and not only the talent.
Ok, my goal is not to talk about myself in a kind of selfish way. I just would like to clarify my future steps which will help me a lot then. Let me describe how it started.
I started when I was 6 years old, the lady from kindergarten recommend to my mother basic art school for me and in one month I was in. I used to attend basic art school for nine years drawing, painting and sculpturing basic stuff like a kid just to earn some basic skills without any wish to continue.
Fifteen years old, ok now it is gonna be serious, you should choose what you will do for the rest of your life. Kind of hard for the millennials I was surrounded by. But do you know what? I should not think twice. And so I went to High School of Art, where I was surrounded by amazingly talented people, each one original one with own style. It gives me a lot, I’ve got my teacher as my mentor and inspiration earn by friends I was living with, basic daily struggles, bad and good crews, modeling and street style which becomes as a part of our community. In 2015 I finished High School by handing in 130 pages of hand-drawn comics book called Limitless which one was released that year.
After that, I went to University attached to Graphic Design and Multimedia where I lost my motivation, where I wasn’t surrounded by inspiring people and where I couldn’t find any mentor. And Erasmus opportunity appeared. So I went to Portugal. Then I stayed in Czech for a while and Erasmus opportunity appeared again. And here we go. I am here at my last year having fun on Erasmus, drawing Portuguese people portraits and having a solo exhibition at amazing art space in Viana do Castelo.
During all my studies I was trying to grow up my social media, trying to stay in touch with my kind of fans or whatever, you know, the people who are curious about your work but maybe you can not call them “fans”. And now I can not spend my evening by watching a movie, I am watching videos “How to Grow… “, “How to Stay Positive..” “Find your energy”.. and this kind of stuff.
You know I just feel so bad when I do not put my energy to “my thing”. Sometimes I feel lonely but I am sure that hard work will pay off and I still have a few people around me, the real ones.
So what’s the final project?
Me. Me happy. Me full of happiness feeling free to give a piece. You know me? There is a piece for you.